Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Fucking Virgins.

Virgins.

I have trouble with virgins. I don't 'get' them. I find it difficult to relate to people who're missing out - voluntarily or otherwise - on such a large part of the human experience. I'm not saying that virgins aren't worthwhile people, I'm just saying that they're weird.

The Virgin

Just before I started my adventures in open dating, I met a girl named Eileen. A friend of mine had started going out with a new girl, and we were all getting together at a party to meet her and some of her friends. It was a young crowd - college freshmen and sophomore girls as far as I could tell, while I was in my late twenties.

We played a few get-to-know-you sorts of drinking games. Eventually these started to involve kissing, a not entirely unpleasant development.

One girl came up to me afterwards, pouting that she hadn't gotten a kiss. I smiled and gave her a peck. One thing lead to another, and before I knew it we were making out on the couch. She was seemingly insatiable, driving her tongue down my throat and trying to grab me everywhere at once.

I'd been single for two years at this point, after the particularly stormy end of what I still consider to be one of my greatest relationships. My relationship pattern at this point was that of serial monogomy - I'd get involved with one woman after another, seeing them for a few years, breaking up, then meeting a new one.

Romancing the Virgin
Having a girl throw herself at me was enough to get me to ask her out.

I was in the middle of transitioning into the city and couch surfing with some friends while I saved up for my own place. This was a bit of a crimp in my dating, but I managed. Eileen kept pressing for sex, but I felt it would have made me a poor guest to fuck her in one of my friends' beds while they were off at work.

I discovered a few things about the girl during the weeks of our courtship.
  • She was 18.
  • Her father was a minister. Sex at her place was unlikely at best.
  • She had incredibly annoying laughter and a very loud voice.
  • She was a virgin.
  • She'd never dated.
Virgins Are Not Good at Sex

She'd never so much as kissed a guy, and here she was, practically begging me to fuck her. Eventually an opportunity arose at a party one of her friends was throwing. The mood was set, and we were given a small room off to ourselves where I made two discoveries.

  • She was afraid of my dick. She'd never seen a penis before and mine... I'm not porn star big, but it definitely isn't a starter model.
  • She was small down there. Really small.

She'd never used tampons, never masterbated, never had anything up there, and was peroccupied with the pain of deflourment. I gave it my best shot - I went down on her until my tongue went numb, used a ton of lube, and managed to stay erect without assistance on her part for the better part of an hour...

No joy. It was like trying to park a battleship in a two car garage, and she was getting mean about it. I went to take a break and get some water, and one of her friends confided that she'd only gone out with me to lose her virginity before going away to school.

I don't appreciate being used, and definitely not for all the trouble I'd gone through.

I left. Broke up with her on the train ride home. A month later, I decided that I'd had enough of serial monogamy for awhile, and decided to just avoid relationships and date casually.

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